shit i shouldn't have read first... it's writing then reading, not the other way around.

so we start again. with the writing. but it's all changed.

we start with the beginning. outside of a bar. i was there to see a friend, he was leaving in the AM, and i wanted to say good bye. "that looks like her car". "that is her car". "oh". "who is she"? "trouble". "really"? "yeah, Trouble".

we drink and talk. my friend leaves, and i get glimpses of her. i don't want her to miss that i was here. and that i cannot stop trying to find her with my eyes. at the same time, i don't want to put any cracks in the wall of disdain i have erected between me and her. yeah, she's that much trouble.

i go back to my car. i sit. i wait until i think my friend has left, and (just to be sure kindof) i drive ahead a block and re-park. i just want to watch her. maybe not talk, probably not talk, but just watch her and drink. so i go in, and sit down, at the far end of the zero of the bar, a vodka tonic, and watch.

she is singing, but not with words. a guy is beatboxing, and another is playing the synth. it is surprisingly good. beautiful even. people change but she keeps singing and swaying.

i don't want her to be good. i want it to be sad and drunken and mediocre. i don't want this to be a rehash of "oh i wish she would notice me" from fucking eighth grade. but somehow that feels so close. i am ashamed and excited. she sways. i feel conflicted.

eventually, she does see me, but takes little notice. i know she saw me. it is confirmed on my drunken drive home, on side streets to avoid inadvertant traffic. she calls me. wonders why i left. she doesn't know that i must.

you. lady. you woman. i can't love you. it would tear. me. to. pieces. i must deride you. i must find the little things to dislike or my desire for you will rip this slight hull to splinters. your sway and grain will doom me, i cannot bear it. i must erect and maintain a wall of disdain. i will be cruel and merciless, for without it, i will surely perish. you shall be the mold of my nemesis.

i'm sorry, from the depths of my heart. we must look but not touch, not really. you are too hot an ember. too dark a night and too fierce a storm. you won't forgive me this, i wouldn't expect you to. i'm sorry. sliante.

this was the forum post:
Take Your Anger Out on Me....
Feed me your honest stories of hate, anger, and fear.
Tell me the truth behind your lies, the truth behind your cheating ways, and the tales of stealing someone else's most prized posessions.
Most of you express your anger through humor and sacarism: give it to me.
Give me your burdens, your weaknesses, your hidden insecurities. Everyone here is severley flawed, know that you are not alone.
Leave your story and then "Denounce Me". Take Your Anger Out on Me. Let go. Let go of the one thing that entraps you most, and leave here feeling free.
Only be honest with yourself. You will never be judged. You may find, there are others who feel the same as you.
Never Live in Fear.
Ando

This was my response:
consider hatred
i hate the way i talk down to people. i usually don't know i'm doing it. i think i like some things just because they are rare, not because they are good, and that's lame. i hate that people can't be good to each other. it requires that we make laws and hire meatheads to enforce the laws. i hate that we have to do that.

i hate money. i hate having to think about money. i hate that this invented, imaginary (poor) representation of labor consumes so much of my irreplacable time. i hate greed. greed runs the world, and to make good laws or reasonable systems of government, you have to account for greed, or the system breaks. i hate that.

i hate being really good at hurting feelings when i don't mean to, but not having the balls to do it when it is warranted. i hate lying to someone that i like (when i probably don't need to) because i don't want to disturb whatever imperfect image of me that they have in their mind. why the fuck do i do that?

i hate that i chew my fingernails.

i hate my debt.

i hate not being really good at something. i'm pretty good at a lot of things. and am pretty smart. but i don't excel at anything.

i hate that i've wasted so much time, and that i will probably waste so much more. i hate that i can't see a project to its end without getting tired of it. i will never be a great man.

i hate that i have to sleep, and i hate liking it so much. i love the comfort of sleep, and i have a hard time on less than 8 hours. i hate that my body requires this of me. i hate that a significant portion of my life will be slumbered away.

i hate living with a girl i like and knowing that she'll never be the one that i love. i hate not knowing if that's enough. i hate my indecision.

i could leave it at this, and it would be fine. mildly cathartic, but diluted due to the anonymity. however, you asked for it, so here it is.

ando. i hate you. i hate your motives, a selfish desire to cause a stir and be the locus of attention for however brief a time. instead of being able to create, you try to goad others into creating for you. you would tell people (maybe) that you are doing this out of (at best) community good will or (at worst) boredom. but really, you covet it. I hate that you lie to people so much, and you know it. I hate your hypocrisy. You use lofty phrases to others ("Never Live in Fear") and capitalize the letters to make them "Mean More." But you no more follow them than any of us do. You are scared to death, and I hate that you can't just admit it. i hate that you use cliches to justify things that are entirely false. "You will never be judged." What a lie. Moreover, what a deceptive lie. Everyone judges, you know that. We might not say anything, but we all do it. You also know that we are all ultimately alone. No false promises will change that. When you die, you die alone. And we will all die. I hate that you forget the simple principles of being human and invent clever phrases to disguise reality. i hate you.

have a nice day.