transition

if you pay attention, you can hear the sizzle of the tobacco as you pull on the cigarette, even if it is old and stale.

they sat in a room, timed maybe to the minute of the burn, a week since. the pain was palpable.  the awkwardness of ending something that had already ended, acknowledging something that was plain and yet invisible.  the room had gotten too small for even an elephant to fit. it was over, but no one had the strength to say it.

what do you want to do?

*silence*

well, there is only two things we can do.  keep doing what we have done, or break up.

*silence*

a tongue of fire licks at the night sky, the breath of twinkling orange embers hot in the air.  it is too large to even understand. i can only feel a sort of resignation that things must be as they are.  to deny it is to deny life or existence. i must be happy with a lie or live with the pain of truth.

defenses kick in.  formal speech. alcohol.  nicotine.  i mutter to myself, arguing, point and counter point, i already know that this had to happen, but the pain is so acute, i can't but doubt my decisions.

are you sure?

no.  i'm not sure of anything.  but i think it's the right thing to do.

*chime*

a text message.  does this suck as bad for you as it does for me?  yes, yes, a thousand times yes, but: this is the most that it can ever suck, i reply.  the only thing that i know of that is appropriate to say is: i'm sorry.

i'm sorry.

so inadequate, so the only thing that is really true in the roiling problem of my thoughts and emotions.

i'm sorry.

fears, resolutions, grief and nonsense.  the fire didn't care at all.  the world and universe don't care at all.  what did each pair of shiny eyes see in that flame? whatever they needed to.  i saw resolution. that it must be as it is. that what i wrote on wood was as true as i could make it.  regret.  so much fail. no anger, just sorrow.  guilt.  washed, charred and shrugged away by heat.  too hot for tears to live, but room enough for pain.

i can only hope that nestled in this hot ash is something new.  something inevitable. something good.

i fucking hope so.