she said, "the more weddings i go to, the more certain i am that i don't want one."

she said it as an aside. not a the topic of conversation.

i have always wanted to be married. to be more specific, i have had elaborate fantasies about marriage. but there's only one person i would really be comfortable marrying, and apparently, she doesn't want one.

wait, this is coming off sounding whiny. like i want to bitch about how the world sucks and that i can't have what i really and truely love and desire. but that's not true. this is about an epiphany. so anyway,

i have always wanted to be married. i don't know why. i think it is partly because my parents never were, and partly because it seemed an occasion ripe for well crafted theatrics. i would imagine the grown men weeping and jealous young men and women stealing glances at my expertly crafted pomp and circumstance. i wanted the ultimate show off.

also, i want to own her. i want my nametag on her. that would be the ultimate, and even if she didn't take my name (it is really a great name), she is worth no small amount of sacrifice to posess. it would be a noble prize.

so, her comment made me nervous. scared that i wouldn't be able to attain my fantasy of braggadacio and materialism. shit, what if i couldn't lean against the solid edifice of public vows in my relationship? what if i had to depend on my own actions, and hers, and how i felt about her, and. . . crap, she could just up and leave me anytime if i was a dickhead. hm. now that's an interesting thought.

because, really, deeply, that's what i want. vows, while nice, and sweet, and very traditional, do more harm than good. i want her to stick by my side, bind my wounds, and sleep in my arms because she wants to, not because she feels obligated to. still, fantasies are hard things to break.

hence, i came to a point of confliction. this happens in dramatic works, you know, the protagonist is forced to confront the fact that his construction of reality is not as it should be. he must rethink the world, how it works, his place in it. et cetera. then i went to a wedding.

the wedding was cloyingly ostentatious. the groom wept. i was bored senseless. at the reception i was halfway through my third beer, tired of small talk, heat, and the statistics. because, as we all know, it is likely that these two lovebirds are making a mistake. not guaranteed, but the odds are not with them. this, then, made me think: what is the fucking point? i am living proof that a marriage (fake or sanctioned) is not necessary for the human organism to realize its ultimate goal.

on the drive home, i thought to myself, "the more weddings i go to, the more certain i am that i don't want one." i said it to my girlfriend. she got a very very frightened "oh shit" look on her face. somehow, that made me deeply satisfied.