(one second, i need some liquor in a glass with some ice)

ok.

there we are.

i just finished watching 'the color purple'. i was wondering when they would fit the phrase into the movie. i was delighted when it was deep. 'it must piss god off when you walk by the color purple and don't notice'. it hit me hard. god must get pissed off when he sees me walk by something special, and not notice.

i'm being metaphorical, i don't believe in god. but i do believe in love. if you see something precious, you should love it. it deserves to be loved.

so.

there was a boy.

he grew up, but never became a man. he majored in art history, and got a degree. he worked for the same school he got the degree in. he is 29. he has some skill, he paints well. people like him. he finds things to identify himself by. he wears only a certain kind of shirt. he is smart. but he is a coward.

he comes from a family of online gamers. they have played online games together for many years, it has kept them tight. even though they are spread out. sister in new york. father in huston. the boy is in minneapolis. cold, boring, minneapolis. what a shithole.

and so fucking lonely. there were girls, only a few, he is shy. but they shit all over him. they used him and let him go. he didn't challenge them, or maybe he just wasn't lucky. who knows. but he was burnt and hurt.

while playing the aforementioned online games, he meets a girl. she is fan tas tic. smart and funny and cute. pretty too. didn't seem crazy. one catch: she had a boyfriend, and they were tight. but... meh, play the friend card and see where it goes. it isn't as lonely, and who knows what might happen.

as luck would have it, things between her and her boyfriend weren't perfect, so... the friendship got deeper. more things said. less things that could be shared. more private things. they spent lots of time online and found that they liked each other a lot. maybe even love. oops... but once that word is out, you can't take it back. love it is.

naturally, the boyfriend is curious. innocence is insisted all around. the boyfriend believes them, he likes them both very much. he respects them both a great deal.

she goes to a wedding. in fargo (so close). they meet. they talk. they touch. it is a heat that can't be described or felt any other way. they kiss and feel all the things they wanted to. dreamt about. maybe it isn't exactly what they thought it would be. but for him, it was. she was sweet and soft and loved him. but she felt shitty for cheating. this wasn't her thing. she just wanted to be loved, but.... why did things have to be so complicated? the next morning, she gave the talk. just friends. just friends. the knife twisted in his chest. this was the last thing he wanted to hear. do i give up hope, he asked? no, she said. don't give up on me. maybe she meant it. maybe she was just sad at the way her boyfriend seemed not to care that he was losing her. we don't know. she's not the main character, he is. so:

she went back.

she broke things off with the boyfriend. it was rough, but strangely easier than she thought. luckily the boyfriend was having similar thoughts. so he was amiable to this break.

he made plans. to move out of the shithole. move out of minneapolis to be with her. there was chance. the chance was worth it. and this city was shit.

the day came. after hours of packing. dad flew up from huston to help pack and clean and drive. a truck loaded with everything. no ties to the past. driving west into the night. towards montana. towards her.

arrival. unloading. tired and bent. hungry. we eat and dad helps unload the essentials. we secure him a hotel. sleeping arrangements in her apartment. awkward (who are we to each other? he is so so so so happy to see her. are they friends? are they more?) sleep here, she says. he makes some space in the bedroom. condoms under the air mattress.... what the fuck. you broke it off, right? he wasn't right for you, right? do you know why he did this?

4 hours of argument. she got back together with the boyfriend. fuck. they have been fucking. fuck. she doesn't know what she wants. fuck. why am i here, what am i doing. fuck. fuck. fuck.

next day.

she's gone. to work. he tries to sleep, but the whole thing is making him crazy. maybe he should just pack all of this shit back into the truck and drive to fucking huston. live there with dad. trade shithole for shithole. why does this always happen to him? why do girls betray him? why this pain?

she shows up early, back at ten, she couldn't handle work. and she met with the boyfriend (who didn't know what was going on, really). they talked. she told him everything. that they were more than friends. that it was a hickey, not a cat scratch. but still, he agreed to distance. really. distance. fucking dick. why doesn't he care? he's just using her (maybe), he doesn't know really what's happening (maybe). they talk. he has had more sleep, he's less exhausted, thinking more clearly. they talk. it's ok. just friends for now. everything will be ok. just unload the stuff, it will all be ok.

BREAK

it's been a couple days. i miss her like crazy. the stupid fucking thing is that i like the guy. i want to be friends. but he loves my (ex?) girlfriend, and that makes things retarded. fucking love. fucking people. if he would just call me, talk to me, get drunk with me we could work this shit out and get all of the stupid shit over with. but he is a coward and... a procrastinator.

fuck.

i feel like shit. but:

i feel like i want to do good things for people. the color purple.

both the boy (his name is XXXX) and my girlfriend (XXXX) are purple. They are awesome people. The deserve to be loved. loved sooooo much.

i wish they would let me love them.



and that's how things are.



call me. i'd love to go for a drink.